DBNN – Fourteen Miners Trapped in Madonna – Outlook Grim

DBNN – DRUNKEN BASTARD NEWS NETWORK

(MOOSEKNUCKLE , KY) It’s been two days since the reported cave in that left fourteen miners trapped inside the pop icon, Madonna. Local rescue units say that their lives hang in the balance.

“We can’t get radio or cellphone signals because they’re in too deep; the only line of communication we have is one of the miners banging on the wall with a hammer or a pick in Morse Code,” reports Fire Chief Gio.

“What we’ve been able to ascertain is that five of the miners need immediate medical attention and three have minor injuries (no pun intented).
Also the canary died yesterday, so the oxygen supply is low and so is morale.”

When asked what could be done the chief said, “Well our options are limited, because of all the years of strip mining and there is a lot of stress fatigue on the support beams. In all honesty, those beams should have been replaced years ago. If we use explosives the whole thing could come down on top of their heads. We’ve already notified the families of the miners and really it’s only a matter of time.”

An all night vigil was held outside of Madonna with over 500 people attending showing there support.

This has been the biggest turnout since the Grace Slick Collapse of ’73.